Feeling like home

So it is about time for my update!
Things have been incredble here. Difficult to be sure, but really beautiful all in all.
Speant Semana Santa here, which is what I was soooo looking forward to before even coming down. As I had imagined I accompanied Sr. Isabel intothe communities along with Sr. Lucy who reminded me so much of T, and I sort of took to her as my big sis, and my sis Lizzy!!!
Some of the highlights:

Bringing ingredients for an Easter flan. Had to think of something we could make without an oven...perfect! It was so much fun to make. Sr. Lucy Lizzy and I in the kitchen the consejos poking their heads in in curiosity..sr Lucy wouldnt say a word..its a surprise! she would say with a grin on her face. We put the flan in a pot in the middle of another pit with a bit of water and baked it over some flames outside. When we got ready to eat it, everyone was standing aroun the kitchen was full and we were all nervous. But it slid out and plop! It was perfect yummy and I was so proud of our makeshift Easter flan!

Another moment that was one of the most beautiful and sticks out the most in my mind is our visit to a community, I think Santa Ana. The whole community was warm and people engaged us in conversation. The deacon there I remember from another visit to the town of Magdalanas. He took me outside while we were eating and showed my the hills and surrounding houses giving me a history of the small town. Such a welcoming gesture in the middle of feeling a bit out of place. Well now we were visiting his town, and he greeted me with a warm handshake by name when he walked up to where we were all sitting chatting away. While the deacons prepared the mass, Lizzy and I took turns holding a womans baby, chatting with a couple about how to say sister, big sister and little sister in tzotzil...heck if I remember now, only food and thank you sticks with me! And then ate a delicious soup with tortillas and lemonade before heading up the hill to the small church.

The mass was the most beautiful

It was the Easter Vigil mass but we had to celebrate it midday so the priest could get back to San Andres in time to celebrate it there that night. We all gathered around for the blessing of the fire. Everyone was in their traditional dress, the men all in white, pants rolled up to mid thigh or knee with a white shirt that hung low, embroidered with purple designs. The women wore black embroidered skirts and beautiful red blouses with a thick gathering of red necklaces around their necks.
The men stood to the right, the women to the left joined in a circle and the celebration began.

As everyone piled into the tiny church liz and I stayed behind thinking there is no way everyone will fit and better that we stay out as we loom over most the people, even tiny lizzy!
But Sr Isabel shood us in, "mooshasheem!" (Have no fear) she said as she brought us front and center of the celebration.
Uh..hehe I looked around me the women behind me were three heads at least shorter than I, but what could I do. All throughout mass there are women in front keeping their bowls of incence going strong. The windows were shut and everyones candels were lit. There was an oranges glow to the beautiful tiny room, but I was so releaved when Jesus roze again and the windows were opened for some air because Liz and I were seated directly behind the women with the incense as it was literally streaming into my face!

But the most beautiful moment...one that brought tears to my eyes as I was telling my mom about it over the phone was at the end of mass, right after the communion. Some were kneeling and others began to stand, as they began to sing. It is a song that I heard played on a CD that belongs to Jaquin the driver, of traditional music in Tzotzil.
There is a guitar, many are holding maracas and they are singing in high pitched voices in Tzotzil.
The beat is slow as the maracas shake (high note) shoo shoo-shoo shoo, shoo shoo-shoo shoo, (low note) shoo shoo- shoo shoo, shoo shooo-shoo shoo.
All danced a slow tranquil dance swaying from one foot, dipping in the middle and swaying to the other exactly to the steady beat
Some had their eyes closed, others squinted looking up to the sky, other looked to the floor as other stared ahead lost in the owrds of the song that will forever remain a mystery to Lizzy and I. I tried with all my might to let go of everything and to just be in this incredible moment. Beautiful and divine. I gave thanks for the opportunity to share with that community something so simple and so profound.

As we left the mass, Sr. Lucy and Lizzy got out their cameras, which were very welcome as children gathered around and viejos asked for their pictures. When we got back to the house we all drank coke and the festive spirit in the air only grew, sitting on the grass laughing joking and taking more pictures with jsut about eveyone. When we left I had such a braod grin on my face. the back of the truck was piled high with all the consejos dressed in their festive outfits and hats with colored ribbons hangin over the edges.

Although semana santa was beautiful...it was tinted with a bit of anxiety I had been carrying around about my thesis work, what am I really doing here and some leftover lonliness at times.
All in all Lizzys visit, my time in the communities over semana santa and chats with sr Isabel, God revealed to me that I really lack patience. Pacience and trust.
I had a beautiful chat with sr. Isabel last saturday night as she was ironing her shirts and I was leaning in the doorway.
What does your heart want Sarah?
She asked me. What a question I thought. And the answer was so easy. I want to be and to learn. I want to be away from academia and the pressure to produce. This anxiety is new. I didnt carry it with me beofe I came. I must remeber why I came...and it wasnt to get a thesis out of mytime her. I was to be, to allow myself to be a student and to just be.

I am so grateful to Sr. Isabel who has allowed me to be her student. We have talks for hours sometimes, laughs and little chats. She is patient and impatient with me at times, but I thank God for bringing me here, because I feel like she is one of the main reasons I have come.

Oh there is soo much more to tell, including my AFRICAN DANCE WORKSHOP!!! God sent that on just for me, in the middle of some rocky feeling blue times and I feel like it liberated my spirit. Lizzy and I were dancing queens!! My body was moving in ways that were beyond my control, as if responding to the music completely on its own, detached form any command my mind would give. Sigh..I must find ways to move my body, to dance!!

And whats more whats more, just trying to forge my path here. Find my way and make connections. Takes time a little more time than I feel I have, but we will see. As I learn patience I learn trust, and I have a sense of peace.

Much love and I will try to write more about inspiring moments more often!