sola

I worked yesterday from eight in the morning until 11:00 at night, running just about non stop from one thing to the next. As I sat in my cafe after I had shut it down, studying bio, I realized...this isn't so bad. I've been doing a really good job of freaking out before each class and lab session. I usually leave lecture with my eyebrows furrowed envying the passing students with Shakespeare in one hand, and an art portfolio in the other. I had an overwhelming urge last lab to rush out with my hands in the air saying, I know! I think its funny that I thought I could do this too. Yesterday it hit me that I was just going to have to get used to these eight in the morning until eleven at night days. If I can think of it as a period of time in my life that will pass, I think I can do it. I am adjusting though to the loneliness of studying. A much different feeling than being alone traveling, or even sitting alone at a park or in a cafe reading or observing those around you. The alone I am experiencing is an absolute disappearances from reality into the deepest corner of my mind, the tiniest macromolecule in my finger, the wall (or window perhaps??) of my camera lens. My head is bent, closely examining each word on the page, repeating aloud and rereading several times a paragraph that still wont make sense to me. Sip your coffee, glance around at the empty room, give yourself a little pep talk, then back down to work. No wonder so many people in college can be terribly unhappy and lonely. No wonder so many people here go crazy on the weekends holding out their hands grasping for something, somebody to make them feel like they are not alone. I am not above that, that is what worries me. And so what can I do, I pray for strength. I pray that when I am feeling empty I wont run trying to fill myself up again. I hope that I will find God in the midst of this solitude, I hope that he will find me.